Best parenting book I've read in ages!!
Free-Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy (the worst mom in america)
Fabulous book! The author sent her 9 yo son on the NY subway alone and became infamous all over the news shows. I don't know that I would do that, necessarily, but I did laugh out loud through most of this book!!
She basically states that NOW is safer than when we were kids (maybe not the 50's) and debunks the many reasons why we are all such worriers! She defends more outside playtime, more time at the park without parents and with other kids, and the idea that our kids are capable of doing more than we give them credit for. Loved it!
****
I know this blog is not for parenting books and advice...so let's move on. I would love to start reading books together as a group again, if anyone else is up for it. In the meantime, here is a list of my summer reading:
Last of the Mohicans
Things as They Really are - Elder Maxwell
Cry, the Beloved Country (read it in high school & want to read it again)
Poisonwood Bible
The Underground History of American Education
Finish the Rangers Apprentice series (# 9 & 10)
A History of US (US history curriculum to prepare for next year's studies)
Review Excellence in Writing curriculum
With the kids I am reading Gone Away Lake by Elizabeth Enright now.
I may not get it all done, but there's my list if anyone wants to read along. OR tell me what we all may want to read together. :-)
BTW- pix of my baby and a Free Range story are on my blog if you want to see. :-)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Quiet Time
It is that most special time of the day--quiet time. All my family is sleeping (or playing so quietly I can't hear), so I am going to write down just a few more of the gazillion thoughts I've had about The Bonds That Make Us Free. Then I will unfold all the corners, return it to the library, buy my own copy and read a chapter every few months. Really, as I was telling Kami, there is too much in this book for one read in a short amount of time. I did it, but I feel that by the end I was in overload mode and I wasn't getting as much out of it. Not the author's fault--just an awful lot to chew on.
Pgs 44-45: "I could spend my life assembling, feeding, and protecting the egotistical, ravenous, and addictive fiction I called my self--or I could refuse it every sort of nurture and let it die an unregretted death. I knew that unless I somehow could leave off my project of promoting and protecting myself and instead open myself to life, I would be doomed to a lifetime of self-involvement. I could see that self-absorption is poison to the spirit. . . . Like concern for others, self-concern is a way of relating to people."
Pg. 49: "Everything depends on what we are becoming, and what we are becoming depends upon how true we are to the deep, gentle, and irrepressible invitation to do right by our fellow beings and before God."
I tried that for a day. I mean I put all my energies into really trying it. Focusing ENTIRELY on the needs of my children. I jumped up when I would rather have stayed sitting, and I was kind even when I disciplined. The feeling in my home that day was magic. I really can't describe it. I didn't feel frantic, like I was trying to force too much into too little time. Then the next day I lost my temper with a small girl who pooed her pants and the sweet feeling vanished. Kami and I have talked extensively about tempers and yelling and doing what your own parents did--and we disagree about something. She doesn't think you should set the goal to stop losing your temper with your kids. She thinks it is unrealistic.
I think that it is realistic. That it is MANDATORY. That becoming better people is the whole reason we are here and if I don't trust Heavenly Father enough to help me control my temper than I don't really trust him. (Not that Kami doesn't have a valid point about my being really, really hard on myself sometimes.)
That beautiful day gave me a sense of what my house should be like if it is truly a temple house. Once I was reading about the Jaredites and how by the end they were too angry with each other to care that they were all dying. They ruined themselves knowingly. The Spirit whispered to me, "Your anger can ruin your family."
I think about that a lot. It doesn't make it easier to not yell or get mad, but it helps me see the consequences. This book helped me see what action steps I could take to get better at seeing my children as people and showing them respect.
Pg. 108: ". . . when our hearts are open and sensitive, a prompting to treat someone considerately comes as a gentle invitation to do something we have nothing against doing and indeed welcome doing. . . . When our hearts are right, the obligation we feel to treat others generously comes to us as an opportunity."
This is a long quote but I want Kammers to read it--so we can chat about it later. Pg. 117: "But a perfectionist's conscience cannot be satisfied. Meeting its demands does not put it to rest. This is simply because, fundamentally, perfectionists are interested not in being conscientious but in proving their conscientiousness, and this requires demanding more and more of themselves, unendingly.
This, incidentally, helps us understand what's wrong with one frequently heard excuse. People sometimes say, when they think about self-betrayal, 'If I did everything that seemed right to do, I'd be so frenzied and weary I wouldn't have time for anything else. I can't put that kind of pressure on myself!' However, when we are not betraying ourselves we do not require more of ourselves than we can do. We may wish we could do two needed things at once, but we don't have any reason to beat ourselves up because we can't. We do that only if we're self-betrayers of the perfectionistic kind, having to prove we're doing all we can because our hearts are not at peace about ourselves."
Pg. 120: "When we are caught up in self-betrayal, 'admitting' we are unworthy is just one more strategy in our repertoire. It gives us just as good a justification for acting irresponsibly as the strategy of condemning others. It is a powerful maneuver because claiming to be a victim of our make-up or nature is even harder to refute than claiming to be a victim of others."
Pg. 167: "Occupying the position of another person for even a few moments means admitting that he or she might not be guilty as charged, and with that admission, our previously inflexible accusation crumbles. It always works out this way--the truth dispels the lie."
Pg. 170: "Jenny changed when she gave up trying to push her influence upon Erin and instead let herself be influenced by Erin. It happened when she stopped trying to change her daughter so as to make her own life story turn out the way she had in mind, with herself as heroine at the center of it. Instead, she let the unfolding story of her life be determined by her daughter's needs. She let Erin's need direct her responses."
Pg. 176: "When they no longer have to worry about defending themselves, they have the 'space' to decide how they will respond to our new response to them."
I think this is a really interesting idea because I lived with a sister for several years that forced me, by her behavior, to constantly defend myself when she was around. We weren't allowed to be alone together, we fought constantly, etc. Once that became the pattern of our behavior it was very difficult to break the cycle. (We did--but we are still on our "best behavior" around each other because we know how quickly we degenerate into our past selves around each other.) Building a new, better, more open and friendly relationship took a lot of time and a lot of overlooking things and, most importantly, it required that sister to reach out to me and convince me that she didn't want to hurt me anymore. I hadn't, before this book, thought about how I might have been hurting her, but I have always been grateful that she didn't give up on our having a relationship. The reason this is pertinent is that she gave me a "new" person to respond to so I could respond differently than I had previously.
I'm still not sure how to implement this exactly. Once you've been hurt, trusting is so difficult. But, according to this book, you have to be the one to trust first. To be vulnerable first. Hard.
Of everything in the book, I think this next part stuck out to me the most. Pg: 179: "Before the change [of heart] we communicate the message, 'You deserve whatever treatment you are getting from me. Justice is going to be done, and that means you must suffer.'" I give that message to my kids all the time, and I have that feeling all the time--you did something wrong and bugged me and I had to stop the important thing I was doing and come and discipline you and so you are going to pay. Or . . . what you did was clearly done just to give me more work (usually how I feel when I find poo on the carpet--which I do, regularly) and I don't deserve more work because I am already working harder than I would like, so you are going to suffer.
I hate writing that--but it's real. That is really how I feel toward my kids--the people I love most in the world. And my kids are babies! They are just little people who don't do anything vindictive or thought-out.
I keep trying to change my thought pattern to: my kids are more important than any other work I might be doing. It is hard, though, to really and truly stop yourself in the heat of the moment and think correct and honest thoughts.
Pg 180: "This sacrifice of retribution I am calling love clears a space in which others can let down their guard and be emotionally truthful with themselves. . . . When we criticize people, their consciences console them. When we love them, their consciences indict them."
I want to do that with my kids--let their actions do more of the teaching so they have to be mad at themselves instead of mad at me.
Pg. 182: "But what amazes me is how often people do respond well--how often reconciliation follows a showing forth of love. Hard indeed are those who will not be touched by someone else's sacrifice of retribution."
If I want my children to remember the LESSON behind the discipline instead of the ANGER/FEAR of the discipline, I have to sacrifice the retribution and focus on the showing forth of love after the sharpness.
Pg. 188: "It is simply futile to try to change another if we do so in a critical spirit, even a mild one. Generally speaking, we influence others most profoundly when we do not seek to change them at all, but simply go about straightforwardly doing the right and loving thing."
Okay--this is obviously a spouse quote. But how do was appropriately discuss concerns (make ourselves vulnerable) if we can't seek to change him/her at all. If there is a problem we are hoping for change. I can't imagine that NEVER talking about problems will always solve the problem eventually. Maybe sometimes, but not always. Or maybe I don't have enough faith in the power of love.
Pg. 191: "'Every force,' says the Tao te Ching, 'calls forth a counter-force. . . .But love is a power unmitigated. It allows others their freedom." That is an important quote for a controlling/domineering person like myself. I don't want to force my children to rebel just to feel empowered.
Pg. 262: "The same principles govern here as before. If we respond as we feel prompted, we remain free of any reason to justify or excuse ourselves and to blame others. And if we catch ourselves already in self-betrayal--criticizing boasting, becoming angry, lying, indulging in self-accusation or self-pity or any other negative thoughts or feelings--we have a bona fide opportunity to decide whether we will continue to do so or turn ourselves about. We can do what we did before--we can ask, 'Might I be in the wrong?' or 'What is the right thing to do?' or 'What is the other person struggling with?' and then let the truth guide our actions. Doing this sincerely is what it takes to stay on course, and it lies within our power."
Pg, 289: "The difference between the ideas of this book and the causal theory is of the utmost consequence. If we are victims of our history, we can do nothing to correct our problems. The past has already wrought its damage and cannot be called back. We may be able to work around and compensate somewhat for the searing events in our past, but we can never eradicate them. On the other hand, if we are not victims but instead producers of our emotional problems, and if it is right now that we are producing them, then we can eliminate the problems at their source. By the means we have discussed in this book, we can stop producing them."
Pg. 294: "Forgiveness concerns our wrongdoing, not theirs. And our wrongdoing includes our failure to treat them as we ought, our finding them at fault for this failure, and our refusal to forgive them for this supposed fault.
Second, our act of forgiving consists of repenting of this wrongdoing of ours, or in other words, ceasing to accuse those we have been accusing.
Third, when we cease to accuse them, we cease to feel there's anything on their part that needs to be forgiven! We no longer find them offensive. We see that from their point of view they are struggling against perceived offenses and threats just as we have been. Thus forgiveness involves opening ourselves to the truth, letting our former offenders become real to us, and no longer believing there is anything for us to forgive. As they undergo a transformation in our forgiving eyes, we undergo a transformation ourselves.
This must be so. As long as we see others as needing our forgiveness, we will continue regarding ourselves as their victim and will remain accusing still. We live free of the bondage of accusing, afflicted feelings only by ceasing to find and take offense."
That was a long quote but I wanted to write it down to make sure I had it somewhere I could read and reread it. I don't really understand this concept completely, but it rings of truth to me. Forgive and forget is impossible if we still feel victimized. I know--I'm still struggling with something my hubby said to me two years ago. According to this author, I'm not really struggling with what hubby said but my reaction--my taking offense. The letting go of the offense, the clearly seeing where hubby was coming from--that is hard. I haven't managed it yet, but I want to.
Pg. 306: "Jeff's is the second kind of case, not the first. He didn't consider serving Robin a deflection from his life's purpose because she WAS its purpose. He let her needs dictate his days. He made serving her his work, not a disruption of his work. That's why, too, he never felt noble or heroic during those early years of marriage, and also why, when others felt sorry for him, he never felt sorry for himself."
That is how I want to be about my children.
Pg. 307: "Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. (Kierkegaard)"
Pg. 317: "When we're stuck in self-betrayal, we dedicate ourselves to finding or producing evidence to prove that we're acceptable and worthwhile. Whatever our particular outward style, from self-disparaging or fawning to arrogant or angry, we live as if we were defendants in a trial. The jury is composed of all the people whose opinions we think are important; they're the ones we've got to convince. Unsettled by our insecurities, we await their judgment.
But the jury members never come back with a final verdict. . . . Why? Because from their individual points of view, they are the ones on trial. They are as concerned to have us validate their self-image as we are to have them validate ours. . . . Therefore what they want from us is not evidence that will establish our acceptability but evidence that will establish theirs. They can't give us their final stamp of approval because they never feel completely approved of themselves."
This reminds me of a sister once who said from her whole childhood/adolescent experience the sum total of her feelings was of never being quite good enough. I don't ever want my children to feel that way. I want my children's sum total feelings to be that they were/are loved. I also don't want our family life to consist of children working for approval without finding it. We all work for approval from those we love, so I can't create an environment where that doesn't exist. However, the more they find approval at home, the less they will have to seek it elsewhere.
Pg. 319: "Fable--The quality of life--the success we hope for--depends largely upon attaining what people have commonly called the good life. By this we mean competing for, obtaining, and securely holding on to certain externals--for example, pleasure, status, or possessions--which we regard as valuable, satisfying, and reflective of our worth.
Fact: The quality of life depends upon the choices we make, moment by moment, to do exactly what we sense is right toward all living things, including God."
Pgs 44-45: "I could spend my life assembling, feeding, and protecting the egotistical, ravenous, and addictive fiction I called my self--or I could refuse it every sort of nurture and let it die an unregretted death. I knew that unless I somehow could leave off my project of promoting and protecting myself and instead open myself to life, I would be doomed to a lifetime of self-involvement. I could see that self-absorption is poison to the spirit. . . . Like concern for others, self-concern is a way of relating to people."
Pg. 49: "Everything depends on what we are becoming, and what we are becoming depends upon how true we are to the deep, gentle, and irrepressible invitation to do right by our fellow beings and before God."
I tried that for a day. I mean I put all my energies into really trying it. Focusing ENTIRELY on the needs of my children. I jumped up when I would rather have stayed sitting, and I was kind even when I disciplined. The feeling in my home that day was magic. I really can't describe it. I didn't feel frantic, like I was trying to force too much into too little time. Then the next day I lost my temper with a small girl who pooed her pants and the sweet feeling vanished. Kami and I have talked extensively about tempers and yelling and doing what your own parents did--and we disagree about something. She doesn't think you should set the goal to stop losing your temper with your kids. She thinks it is unrealistic.
I think that it is realistic. That it is MANDATORY. That becoming better people is the whole reason we are here and if I don't trust Heavenly Father enough to help me control my temper than I don't really trust him. (Not that Kami doesn't have a valid point about my being really, really hard on myself sometimes.)
That beautiful day gave me a sense of what my house should be like if it is truly a temple house. Once I was reading about the Jaredites and how by the end they were too angry with each other to care that they were all dying. They ruined themselves knowingly. The Spirit whispered to me, "Your anger can ruin your family."
I think about that a lot. It doesn't make it easier to not yell or get mad, but it helps me see the consequences. This book helped me see what action steps I could take to get better at seeing my children as people and showing them respect.
Pg. 108: ". . . when our hearts are open and sensitive, a prompting to treat someone considerately comes as a gentle invitation to do something we have nothing against doing and indeed welcome doing. . . . When our hearts are right, the obligation we feel to treat others generously comes to us as an opportunity."
This is a long quote but I want Kammers to read it--so we can chat about it later. Pg. 117: "But a perfectionist's conscience cannot be satisfied. Meeting its demands does not put it to rest. This is simply because, fundamentally, perfectionists are interested not in being conscientious but in proving their conscientiousness, and this requires demanding more and more of themselves, unendingly.
This, incidentally, helps us understand what's wrong with one frequently heard excuse. People sometimes say, when they think about self-betrayal, 'If I did everything that seemed right to do, I'd be so frenzied and weary I wouldn't have time for anything else. I can't put that kind of pressure on myself!' However, when we are not betraying ourselves we do not require more of ourselves than we can do. We may wish we could do two needed things at once, but we don't have any reason to beat ourselves up because we can't. We do that only if we're self-betrayers of the perfectionistic kind, having to prove we're doing all we can because our hearts are not at peace about ourselves."
Pg. 120: "When we are caught up in self-betrayal, 'admitting' we are unworthy is just one more strategy in our repertoire. It gives us just as good a justification for acting irresponsibly as the strategy of condemning others. It is a powerful maneuver because claiming to be a victim of our make-up or nature is even harder to refute than claiming to be a victim of others."
Pg. 167: "Occupying the position of another person for even a few moments means admitting that he or she might not be guilty as charged, and with that admission, our previously inflexible accusation crumbles. It always works out this way--the truth dispels the lie."
Pg. 170: "Jenny changed when she gave up trying to push her influence upon Erin and instead let herself be influenced by Erin. It happened when she stopped trying to change her daughter so as to make her own life story turn out the way she had in mind, with herself as heroine at the center of it. Instead, she let the unfolding story of her life be determined by her daughter's needs. She let Erin's need direct her responses."
Pg. 176: "When they no longer have to worry about defending themselves, they have the 'space' to decide how they will respond to our new response to them."
I think this is a really interesting idea because I lived with a sister for several years that forced me, by her behavior, to constantly defend myself when she was around. We weren't allowed to be alone together, we fought constantly, etc. Once that became the pattern of our behavior it was very difficult to break the cycle. (We did--but we are still on our "best behavior" around each other because we know how quickly we degenerate into our past selves around each other.) Building a new, better, more open and friendly relationship took a lot of time and a lot of overlooking things and, most importantly, it required that sister to reach out to me and convince me that she didn't want to hurt me anymore. I hadn't, before this book, thought about how I might have been hurting her, but I have always been grateful that she didn't give up on our having a relationship. The reason this is pertinent is that she gave me a "new" person to respond to so I could respond differently than I had previously.
I'm still not sure how to implement this exactly. Once you've been hurt, trusting is so difficult. But, according to this book, you have to be the one to trust first. To be vulnerable first. Hard.
Of everything in the book, I think this next part stuck out to me the most. Pg: 179: "Before the change [of heart] we communicate the message, 'You deserve whatever treatment you are getting from me. Justice is going to be done, and that means you must suffer.'" I give that message to my kids all the time, and I have that feeling all the time--you did something wrong and bugged me and I had to stop the important thing I was doing and come and discipline you and so you are going to pay. Or . . . what you did was clearly done just to give me more work (usually how I feel when I find poo on the carpet--which I do, regularly) and I don't deserve more work because I am already working harder than I would like, so you are going to suffer.
I hate writing that--but it's real. That is really how I feel toward my kids--the people I love most in the world. And my kids are babies! They are just little people who don't do anything vindictive or thought-out.
I keep trying to change my thought pattern to: my kids are more important than any other work I might be doing. It is hard, though, to really and truly stop yourself in the heat of the moment and think correct and honest thoughts.
Pg 180: "This sacrifice of retribution I am calling love clears a space in which others can let down their guard and be emotionally truthful with themselves. . . . When we criticize people, their consciences console them. When we love them, their consciences indict them."
I want to do that with my kids--let their actions do more of the teaching so they have to be mad at themselves instead of mad at me.
Pg. 182: "But what amazes me is how often people do respond well--how often reconciliation follows a showing forth of love. Hard indeed are those who will not be touched by someone else's sacrifice of retribution."
If I want my children to remember the LESSON behind the discipline instead of the ANGER/FEAR of the discipline, I have to sacrifice the retribution and focus on the showing forth of love after the sharpness.
Pg. 188: "It is simply futile to try to change another if we do so in a critical spirit, even a mild one. Generally speaking, we influence others most profoundly when we do not seek to change them at all, but simply go about straightforwardly doing the right and loving thing."
Okay--this is obviously a spouse quote. But how do was appropriately discuss concerns (make ourselves vulnerable) if we can't seek to change him/her at all. If there is a problem we are hoping for change. I can't imagine that NEVER talking about problems will always solve the problem eventually. Maybe sometimes, but not always. Or maybe I don't have enough faith in the power of love.
Pg. 191: "'Every force,' says the Tao te Ching, 'calls forth a counter-force. . . .But love is a power unmitigated. It allows others their freedom." That is an important quote for a controlling/domineering person like myself. I don't want to force my children to rebel just to feel empowered.
Pg. 262: "The same principles govern here as before. If we respond as we feel prompted, we remain free of any reason to justify or excuse ourselves and to blame others. And if we catch ourselves already in self-betrayal--criticizing boasting, becoming angry, lying, indulging in self-accusation or self-pity or any other negative thoughts or feelings--we have a bona fide opportunity to decide whether we will continue to do so or turn ourselves about. We can do what we did before--we can ask, 'Might I be in the wrong?' or 'What is the right thing to do?' or 'What is the other person struggling with?' and then let the truth guide our actions. Doing this sincerely is what it takes to stay on course, and it lies within our power."
Pg, 289: "The difference between the ideas of this book and the causal theory is of the utmost consequence. If we are victims of our history, we can do nothing to correct our problems. The past has already wrought its damage and cannot be called back. We may be able to work around and compensate somewhat for the searing events in our past, but we can never eradicate them. On the other hand, if we are not victims but instead producers of our emotional problems, and if it is right now that we are producing them, then we can eliminate the problems at their source. By the means we have discussed in this book, we can stop producing them."
Pg. 294: "Forgiveness concerns our wrongdoing, not theirs. And our wrongdoing includes our failure to treat them as we ought, our finding them at fault for this failure, and our refusal to forgive them for this supposed fault.
Second, our act of forgiving consists of repenting of this wrongdoing of ours, or in other words, ceasing to accuse those we have been accusing.
Third, when we cease to accuse them, we cease to feel there's anything on their part that needs to be forgiven! We no longer find them offensive. We see that from their point of view they are struggling against perceived offenses and threats just as we have been. Thus forgiveness involves opening ourselves to the truth, letting our former offenders become real to us, and no longer believing there is anything for us to forgive. As they undergo a transformation in our forgiving eyes, we undergo a transformation ourselves.
This must be so. As long as we see others as needing our forgiveness, we will continue regarding ourselves as their victim and will remain accusing still. We live free of the bondage of accusing, afflicted feelings only by ceasing to find and take offense."
That was a long quote but I wanted to write it down to make sure I had it somewhere I could read and reread it. I don't really understand this concept completely, but it rings of truth to me. Forgive and forget is impossible if we still feel victimized. I know--I'm still struggling with something my hubby said to me two years ago. According to this author, I'm not really struggling with what hubby said but my reaction--my taking offense. The letting go of the offense, the clearly seeing where hubby was coming from--that is hard. I haven't managed it yet, but I want to.
Pg. 306: "Jeff's is the second kind of case, not the first. He didn't consider serving Robin a deflection from his life's purpose because she WAS its purpose. He let her needs dictate his days. He made serving her his work, not a disruption of his work. That's why, too, he never felt noble or heroic during those early years of marriage, and also why, when others felt sorry for him, he never felt sorry for himself."
That is how I want to be about my children.
Pg. 307: "Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. (Kierkegaard)"
Pg. 317: "When we're stuck in self-betrayal, we dedicate ourselves to finding or producing evidence to prove that we're acceptable and worthwhile. Whatever our particular outward style, from self-disparaging or fawning to arrogant or angry, we live as if we were defendants in a trial. The jury is composed of all the people whose opinions we think are important; they're the ones we've got to convince. Unsettled by our insecurities, we await their judgment.
But the jury members never come back with a final verdict. . . . Why? Because from their individual points of view, they are the ones on trial. They are as concerned to have us validate their self-image as we are to have them validate ours. . . . Therefore what they want from us is not evidence that will establish our acceptability but evidence that will establish theirs. They can't give us their final stamp of approval because they never feel completely approved of themselves."
This reminds me of a sister once who said from her whole childhood/adolescent experience the sum total of her feelings was of never being quite good enough. I don't ever want my children to feel that way. I want my children's sum total feelings to be that they were/are loved. I also don't want our family life to consist of children working for approval without finding it. We all work for approval from those we love, so I can't create an environment where that doesn't exist. However, the more they find approval at home, the less they will have to seek it elsewhere.
Pg. 319: "Fable--The quality of life--the success we hope for--depends largely upon attaining what people have commonly called the good life. By this we mean competing for, obtaining, and securely holding on to certain externals--for example, pleasure, status, or possessions--which we regard as valuable, satisfying, and reflective of our worth.
Fact: The quality of life depends upon the choices we make, moment by moment, to do exactly what we sense is right toward all living things, including God."
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Real Quick
More on the parenting stuff...
Yes, IMPLEMENT with CONSISTENCY & without EMOTION is the HARDEST part of being a parent for me. :-( Grrr.... It is great to reread and refresh. I love Linda Eyre's suggestion for staying consistent:
Make a list of the things that REALLY bother you, the things that cause a responsive or emotive reaction from you. In the next column write what you usually do. And then make a column of what you are going to do in the future instead (the consequence). I think having a list up like that for ME would be very useful and help me stay calm, cool and consistent.
As for the "big event is off" threat (because it usually is a threat more than a consequence when I resort to it) . . . I have told the kids they owe me the money for that lesson. So if the lessons cost $20/month, they owe me $5 for every lesson they miss. If they don't have the money, they do $5 worth of chores. I think I've only had to actually follow through on this consequence once because it's enough to make my kids think.
And Kayli, you summed up my thoughts exactly on the article as well. I, too, doubt my husband will read that much info on parenting . . . but we can always hope! :-)
LOL
Yes, IMPLEMENT with CONSISTENCY & without EMOTION is the HARDEST part of being a parent for me. :-( Grrr.... It is great to reread and refresh. I love Linda Eyre's suggestion for staying consistent:
Make a list of the things that REALLY bother you, the things that cause a responsive or emotive reaction from you. In the next column write what you usually do. And then make a column of what you are going to do in the future instead (the consequence). I think having a list up like that for ME would be very useful and help me stay calm, cool and consistent.
As for the "big event is off" threat (because it usually is a threat more than a consequence when I resort to it) . . . I have told the kids they owe me the money for that lesson. So if the lessons cost $20/month, they owe me $5 for every lesson they miss. If they don't have the money, they do $5 worth of chores. I think I've only had to actually follow through on this consequence once because it's enough to make my kids think.
And Kayli, you summed up my thoughts exactly on the article as well. I, too, doubt my husband will read that much info on parenting . . . but we can always hope! :-)
LOL
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
CONGRATS
Congrats to Marilyn on Baby Juniper (I've been checking your blog to see if you would tell us a birthing story--maybe sometime) and congrats to Julia on Baby D!!
Yep
Let me add my voice to those grateful for the articles you posted. Although there were a few things she said that I thought were going too far (esp. in the Headgates article) I mostly thought her insights were great. I have been trying to implement changes too (like the no re-teaching thing) and it seems effective for both the kids and for me. So thank you for linking to those!
I am just so impressed with all you creative, enthusiastic, fun homeschooling families. I love the idea of it but it all seems so overwhelming and hard, I feel like I would be impatient and non-fun and incapable. Even though I really like my kids and enjoy being with them (more than I ever thought I would!). I love Andrea's ideas for different school units--I want to maybe try some of those this summer.
And I like all your thoughts and book recommendations. I will post some book recommendations too at some point, I hope, when Juniper gets a bit older. I read a lot with a new baby but I don't have much time for typing (always have a baby in one arm at the computer). :) But I want to try reading Bonds that make us Free soon. I started it once before and liked it but it took me forever to get through each part and I never finished.
I am just so impressed with all you creative, enthusiastic, fun homeschooling families. I love the idea of it but it all seems so overwhelming and hard, I feel like I would be impatient and non-fun and incapable. Even though I really like my kids and enjoy being with them (more than I ever thought I would!). I love Andrea's ideas for different school units--I want to maybe try some of those this summer.
And I like all your thoughts and book recommendations. I will post some book recommendations too at some point, I hope, when Juniper gets a bit older. I read a lot with a new baby but I don't have much time for typing (always have a baby in one arm at the computer). :) But I want to try reading Bonds that make us Free soon. I started it once before and liked it but it took me forever to get through each part and I never finished.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Parenting
Kayli, I forgot you had posting rights on this blog! Nice to hear from you. Yeah, I implemented her plan and the first day was JOYOUS! The next day did not go well. Ahem. I was planning on reading it again tonight as a refresher. I think an outline to go on my wall is a good idea. I can refer to it every morning before facing the littles.
As for the swimming lesson comment--I didn't plan on giving them a consequence. I knew I wasn't going to waste my money by not letting them go, but I also thought they would be terrified enough at the thought of missing their lessons that they would snap to. And they did. Lucky me. That only works with REALLY awesome activities. However, they are sort of in the mode now, and every time I say, "It is time to get out the door," Cowen remembers to ask me what he can do to help. I need to go over the procedure with Miriam and Emeline a few more times.
Glad you liked the article. I'm off to read it again.
As for the swimming lesson comment--I didn't plan on giving them a consequence. I knew I wasn't going to waste my money by not letting them go, but I also thought they would be terrified enough at the thought of missing their lessons that they would snap to. And they did. Lucky me. That only works with REALLY awesome activities. However, they are sort of in the mode now, and every time I say, "It is time to get out the door," Cowen remembers to ask me what he can do to help. I need to go over the procedure with Miriam and Emeline a few more times.
Glad you liked the article. I'm off to read it again.
a post from me
So, Andrea told me I should read the article Julia posted about parenting, so I did. And WOW. Can I just say that I have been really wondering how on earth it's possible to discipline your child without making them feel like you think/care less for them (let alone not get angry every time you try to correct a behavior). So the whole premise that this is a way to correct and teach obedience without making your child feel like you love or accept them any less was majorly attractive to me. And it seemed a very logical plan to do just that. (Though implementing is always harder than the idea, as we all know.)
Anyway, the other thing I thought was that the idea of planning on your kids failing -and welcoming it as a learning opportunity-- was revolutionary. I mean, wasn't it? I haven't ever heard it put that way. And if you really follow the plan, how great is it that you really truly aren't getting frustrated when your kid does the same bad behavior over and over and over and OVER -- you just continue giving the consequence without having to get all emotional.
That's my opinion on the article. I told Brett to read it so that we could discuss it, implement it, never get angry with our children again, and basically become perfect parents. I'm not really counting on him reading it though, as it's 33 pages long. Perhaps I'll have to sum up for him. (I did take out some particularly good bits and copy them so that I have them. Now does anyone want to draw up a little basic outline for me so I can hang it on my wall and refer to it every day?)
New topic. Does anyone have any tips on how to help your child make friends? An 8-year-old?
Goodnight.
p.s. the Teacher's Funeral by Richard Peck is a great book. I loved it. But then, I pretty much love every Richard Peck. He's fabulous.
Anyway, the other thing I thought was that the idea of planning on your kids failing -and welcoming it as a learning opportunity-- was revolutionary. I mean, wasn't it? I haven't ever heard it put that way. And if you really follow the plan, how great is it that you really truly aren't getting frustrated when your kid does the same bad behavior over and over and over and OVER -- you just continue giving the consequence without having to get all emotional.
That's my opinion on the article. I told Brett to read it so that we could discuss it, implement it, never get angry with our children again, and basically become perfect parents. I'm not really counting on him reading it though, as it's 33 pages long. Perhaps I'll have to sum up for him. (I did take out some particularly good bits and copy them so that I have them. Now does anyone want to draw up a little basic outline for me so I can hang it on my wall and refer to it every day?)
New topic. Does anyone have any tips on how to help your child make friends? An 8-year-old?
Goodnight.
p.s. the Teacher's Funeral by Richard Peck is a great book. I loved it. But then, I pretty much love every Richard Peck. He's fabulous.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Parenting Article
I'm just now responding to the parenting article Julia posted about. I went to a Love and Logic seminar for school once--all expense paid--but Miriam was only a year old so I didn't get out of it as much as I could have.
I really enjoyed this article. Kami--read it immediately and then call me.
The things I liked best: be consistent. My SIL Lindsay Ann is INCREDIBLY consistent and her girls are so well-behaved (and spastic). I know that is the bottom line of parenting, but it doesn't make it much easier.
I liked her four step approach, especially the don't reteach. I find that the more I lecture the more worked up I get and then the more likely I am to fly off the handle and beat the child. I think her "less is more" philosophy is a good one. No reteaching. No explaining.
I also like that she doesn't give extra chores until her kids are 8. I have been trying the extra chore approach because I have a good friend that does it and it works really well for her. So well that I was impressed and decided to do it myself. It doesn't work at my house. Emeline loves extra chores because it means I have to be right with her helping her (attention), plus she likes to do chores. Cowen doesn't mind chores but HATES getting sent away from me, so he thought the new system was peachy. Miriam would get 16 extra chores a day just for dawdling. She'd dawdle, get an extra chore, dawdle through that and yes, you guessed it, I'd end up a yelling freaky monster by the end of the day.
I think the quick, separate them from what they want to be doing right then is much simpler and doable with 5 small children.
I also love the "tap when dawdling" approach and the report in when done idea. Lately I told my children that I wasn't going to put so much effort in to create fun for them. For example, they love swim lessons but getting them to lessons was a nightmare the first day. The second day I explained to them that getting to lessons was their responsibility and when I said it was time to go, they had to come ask me what they could do to help, do it, return to ask if there was anything else they could do, and so forth until I said everything was ready and get buckled in the van.
It has worked a miracle. Today Cowen was already in the van and buckled before he remembered, but he came back out, found me and asked if there was anything he needed to do. I almost cried.
Basically I just really loved this article.
Now, to IMPLEMENT the ideas in the article. Always the harder part. :) At least now I know what I'm going to do the next time Emeline sticks out her tongue at me or calls me stupid. The child has attitude.
Good night.
I really enjoyed this article. Kami--read it immediately and then call me.
The things I liked best: be consistent. My SIL Lindsay Ann is INCREDIBLY consistent and her girls are so well-behaved (and spastic). I know that is the bottom line of parenting, but it doesn't make it much easier.
I liked her four step approach, especially the don't reteach. I find that the more I lecture the more worked up I get and then the more likely I am to fly off the handle and beat the child. I think her "less is more" philosophy is a good one. No reteaching. No explaining.
I also like that she doesn't give extra chores until her kids are 8. I have been trying the extra chore approach because I have a good friend that does it and it works really well for her. So well that I was impressed and decided to do it myself. It doesn't work at my house. Emeline loves extra chores because it means I have to be right with her helping her (attention), plus she likes to do chores. Cowen doesn't mind chores but HATES getting sent away from me, so he thought the new system was peachy. Miriam would get 16 extra chores a day just for dawdling. She'd dawdle, get an extra chore, dawdle through that and yes, you guessed it, I'd end up a yelling freaky monster by the end of the day.
I think the quick, separate them from what they want to be doing right then is much simpler and doable with 5 small children.
I also love the "tap when dawdling" approach and the report in when done idea. Lately I told my children that I wasn't going to put so much effort in to create fun for them. For example, they love swim lessons but getting them to lessons was a nightmare the first day. The second day I explained to them that getting to lessons was their responsibility and when I said it was time to go, they had to come ask me what they could do to help, do it, return to ask if there was anything else they could do, and so forth until I said everything was ready and get buckled in the van.
It has worked a miracle. Today Cowen was already in the van and buckled before he remembered, but he came back out, found me and asked if there was anything he needed to do. I almost cried.
Basically I just really loved this article.
Now, to IMPLEMENT the ideas in the article. Always the harder part. :) At least now I know what I'm going to do the next time Emeline sticks out her tongue at me or calls me stupid. The child has attitude.
Good night.
Resentment?
I still have not read the book. I have tried a couple of times, but it hasn't gripped me yet. I may try again . . . but for now, I'll just respond to what you wrote.
I guess I've never looked at the sometimes frequent frustrations with my children as resentment towards them or my life. Usually my frustrations with my kids are based on my own mood, temperment, tiredness, or feelings of inadequacies in myself . . . and none of those are based on "resentment."
However, I did have a similar realization several months ago with regards to my marriage. I found I was resentful of J. in many, many ways but mostly with the idea that he "needed" me. Why did a grown man need me?!?! Especially when he had to obviously see I had many little children needing me all the time. I first realized how poorly I was behaving and how I was harboring such harsh judgments while observing my own mother and how she treated my dad. I realized that some unhealthy patterns had been set. I noticed there was constant blame or resentment or the attitude of "I'm doing everything for his sake" rather than claiming her life as her own. Does that make sense?
What I'm trying to say is . . . I like what you wrote. I like the quotes. And I've had similar thoughts/feelings but not in regards to my children . . . more towards my husband. And once I realized the resentments I was harboring and let them go, our marriage took a 180 turn! It was amazing!!! (then I got pregnant again . . . but that soon shall pass). I literally fell in love with him all over again! No more holding things over his head as if it was his fault I wasn't completely happy. Anyway . . . those are my thoughts. And like I said, I haven't read the book, so maybe my thoughts don't match your thoughts . . . but this is what your thoughts made me think of. :-)
LOL
JULIA
I guess I've never looked at the sometimes frequent frustrations with my children as resentment towards them or my life. Usually my frustrations with my kids are based on my own mood, temperment, tiredness, or feelings of inadequacies in myself . . . and none of those are based on "resentment."
However, I did have a similar realization several months ago with regards to my marriage. I found I was resentful of J. in many, many ways but mostly with the idea that he "needed" me. Why did a grown man need me?!?! Especially when he had to obviously see I had many little children needing me all the time. I first realized how poorly I was behaving and how I was harboring such harsh judgments while observing my own mother and how she treated my dad. I realized that some unhealthy patterns had been set. I noticed there was constant blame or resentment or the attitude of "I'm doing everything for his sake" rather than claiming her life as her own. Does that make sense?
What I'm trying to say is . . . I like what you wrote. I like the quotes. And I've had similar thoughts/feelings but not in regards to my children . . . more towards my husband. And once I realized the resentments I was harboring and let them go, our marriage took a 180 turn! It was amazing!!! (then I got pregnant again . . . but that soon shall pass). I literally fell in love with him all over again! No more holding things over his head as if it was his fault I wasn't completely happy. Anyway . . . those are my thoughts. And like I said, I haven't read the book, so maybe my thoughts don't match your thoughts . . . but this is what your thoughts made me think of. :-)
LOL
JULIA
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