I'm noticing as my kids get older that I'm not so much into the "life skills" lessons that I once was. Part of that is because I'm not consistent enough (my weakness). But what I'm realizing for myself is that I'd rather go back to the basics of simply training HABITS in my kids (a Charlotte Mason idea). I'm noticing (and the article on parenting I just posted about reinforced what I've been thinking) that the things that bug me the most and cause the most nagging from me toward my children are the little things that don't get done around the house. For instance, how hard is it to turn off a light when you leave a room, throw away your banana peel when you're done with it, and put your piano books away after practicing? These are the things I maybe should have focussed on in a more productive way than I have (because my oldest is 11!). These are things I failed to focus on when they were little and yet I expect them to "just do it" now that they are older. I guess when they were little I just expected them not to remember these little details OR it was just easier for me to do it all myself. Maybe it's because I had so many so close together.
After reading the article on parenting I was struck by one main principle: You only need to TEACH once. The rest of the time you simply need to reinforce with consistent consequences. It seems so simple, but it's so dang hard for me! I'm such a talker. I nag, preach, teach over and over. I like how the author signified that all the re-teaching does is tell the kids they can't think for themselves, like they're too unintelligent to remember the first time.
The other thing I liked about the article was that we can/need to expect our kids to fail. I think for me, when I see my kids fail at doing something I taught them, it's somehow a reflection on my lack of teaching (even though I know I taught them). Does that make sense? And so I express frustration towards them when they fail, when in reality I'm frustrated partly with myself for not teaching them properly. Again, I just expect them to do it and to do it perfectly when I ask them to do something .. . forgetting that there needs to be a training process first. I forget that I had to learn things line upon line . . . and even then I still don't do everything right.
So, I now have two main goals: 1) Stop nagging & start teaching more effectively with consequences; 2) Focus on the smaller habits rather than trying to tackle all of the bigger lessons (for now).
p.s. this is all going to start after the baby comes...because right now I'm too tired! :-)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Food for Thought
Hi Friends.
I don't know how many of you read the Headgates article a year or so ago, written by Kerri Tibbets. Well, she just came out with another article on Parenting. I read it. It's got some good stuff in it. Nothing really "new" to me, but there were some things in there I have been chewing on for the last couple of days. It's just good to read some reminder stuff. Anyway, here's the link for both articles. Take a look. We can discuss.
http://www.headgates.org/resources/
JULIA
I don't know how many of you read the Headgates article a year or so ago, written by Kerri Tibbets. Well, she just came out with another article on Parenting. I read it. It's got some good stuff in it. Nothing really "new" to me, but there were some things in there I have been chewing on for the last couple of days. It's just good to read some reminder stuff. Anyway, here's the link for both articles. Take a look. We can discuss.
http://www.headgates.org/resources/
JULIA
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Response
Well I think Andrea's main idea of personal preference nails it. For instance, I don't want to let my kids touch my sewing machine at any younger age. If I had another sewing machine that was just for them, then it would be okay. Also, Ana's been mowing the lawn since she was 10 (generally only the front yard though, which is smaller and easier than the back). And, I really don't care if my kids are interested in playing the piano or any other instrument. Not playing is not an option--or at least till they're teenagers but I'm not telling them that till it actually becomes an issue. Again with the food prep, I hate cleaning up after other people cooking, so until they can clean up really well, I don't want them doing much cooking. Yes, I'm a bit too nitpicky but I hate a dirty kitchen. And I do think I will move some of the 16 yr old stuff to 15 yr old. That's a great idea. A=Oh, and as for doing their own laundry, I put that later only because my oldest is very inattentive to details, and I am really worried about the possible clothes destruction that could result. She barely remembers on what settings to turn on the dishwasher. Anyway, that's my thinking, but thanks for the input--and please any other input would be great!
response to Kami
I liked most of the things but I couldn't help thinking that a lot of it is personal. For example, Kelly said no to piano at 6 but that is when I started Miriam and it has worked out beautifully. She loves piano and can't wait to start the harp when she is 10. However, Cowen isn't starting piano until he is 8.
Also, Miriam is 7 and already knows how to make several breakfasts, sew on a button, has made a tablecloth and napkins and is making two receiving blankets this year. So I am doing sewing a little earlier. There was a girl featured in the Friend this month who is 9 who made a bunch of skirts to donate to Haiti. So again, I think your sewing could be moved to a younger age IF you want to deal with it at a younger age. Won't really hurt them to start later--they'll just have better coordination.
Miriam is just starting to get brushing down, so I don't think that taking care of her own hair at 8 is really that reasonable. Maybe I'm underestimating her. What is Faith in God??????
I'm having my kids memorize the Articles of Faith during their Baptism Prep year (age 7) and then they have to re-memorize them every year during their birthday month. I figure if I do it that way, by the time they are 12 they will know them cold.
I also think you are underestimating food prep. Miriam can already cook a bag of frozen corn and she cuts up mushrooms and zucs and other soft veggies for me. She can peel a carrot or cucumber, so I don't know if "cook a veggie" needs to wait until 9. However, it is a lot of when YOU want to deal with it.
I agree with Kelly that mow lawn is too young. All my kids can already fold clothes (tho they hate it more than any other chore), so you might want to move that to a little younger. (What am I saying, my oldest is 7 and you have a 10 year old--ignore everything I say.)
I like the idea of shopping for own clothes at 12, so I think I would make age 11 a Shopper-in-Training, and do some intensive preparation for the responsibility. You know, lessons on sales and fashion and marketing and modesty.
How DO you check the fluids in your vehicles????
I reiterate that I think you are teaching cooking too late. Remember what Mom said when I told her my grand plan--that by age 12 they are already getting snarky. It might be a LOT more work to teach them cooking later. Then again, maybe not. Depends on the kid. But I was planning on turning over bread-making to Miriam when she turned 10 and she would be in charge of it until Cowen turned 10. That will give them two years of practice (I'm sure I'll help out sometimes) because break-making is a bit of an art and practice with mom around is a good idea.
At 12 I was thinking of letting them learn fancy stuff, like take a cake decorating class, or teach them how to do some fun Asian wok cooking.
Also, I would say laundry could be younger. Miriam already puts the laundry in the dryer for me and can do the separating. She has a hard time with the soap for the washer because it doesn't come out easily, but when I make my own she'll be in charge. Yes!! Plus, at this age, it is a huge treat to do laundry.
I would move menu planning to a younger age. By 15 I was always in a play plus three choirs plus school work--I was already too busy to be doing much at home. I think critical things like menu planning and learning how to shop sales has to be taught before they hit the really busy high school years. Okay, I just saw that you wrote "in the summer" but I still think it should be when they are 13 and that kind of responsibility would thrill them.
I would move a lot of your 16 year stuff to 15 year stuff.
But again, I know nothing about anything. Love you though, and your list, and that you got out of doing other work to make your list so I could postpone my dishes to read through your list. You rock.
I need chocolate. Just FYI. Sigh.
Also, Miriam is 7 and already knows how to make several breakfasts, sew on a button, has made a tablecloth and napkins and is making two receiving blankets this year. So I am doing sewing a little earlier. There was a girl featured in the Friend this month who is 9 who made a bunch of skirts to donate to Haiti. So again, I think your sewing could be moved to a younger age IF you want to deal with it at a younger age. Won't really hurt them to start later--they'll just have better coordination.
Miriam is just starting to get brushing down, so I don't think that taking care of her own hair at 8 is really that reasonable. Maybe I'm underestimating her. What is Faith in God??????
I'm having my kids memorize the Articles of Faith during their Baptism Prep year (age 7) and then they have to re-memorize them every year during their birthday month. I figure if I do it that way, by the time they are 12 they will know them cold.
I also think you are underestimating food prep. Miriam can already cook a bag of frozen corn and she cuts up mushrooms and zucs and other soft veggies for me. She can peel a carrot or cucumber, so I don't know if "cook a veggie" needs to wait until 9. However, it is a lot of when YOU want to deal with it.
I agree with Kelly that mow lawn is too young. All my kids can already fold clothes (tho they hate it more than any other chore), so you might want to move that to a little younger. (What am I saying, my oldest is 7 and you have a 10 year old--ignore everything I say.)
I like the idea of shopping for own clothes at 12, so I think I would make age 11 a Shopper-in-Training, and do some intensive preparation for the responsibility. You know, lessons on sales and fashion and marketing and modesty.
How DO you check the fluids in your vehicles????
I reiterate that I think you are teaching cooking too late. Remember what Mom said when I told her my grand plan--that by age 12 they are already getting snarky. It might be a LOT more work to teach them cooking later. Then again, maybe not. Depends on the kid. But I was planning on turning over bread-making to Miriam when she turned 10 and she would be in charge of it until Cowen turned 10. That will give them two years of practice (I'm sure I'll help out sometimes) because break-making is a bit of an art and practice with mom around is a good idea.
At 12 I was thinking of letting them learn fancy stuff, like take a cake decorating class, or teach them how to do some fun Asian wok cooking.
Also, I would say laundry could be younger. Miriam already puts the laundry in the dryer for me and can do the separating. She has a hard time with the soap for the washer because it doesn't come out easily, but when I make my own she'll be in charge. Yes!! Plus, at this age, it is a huge treat to do laundry.
I would move menu planning to a younger age. By 15 I was always in a play plus three choirs plus school work--I was already too busy to be doing much at home. I think critical things like menu planning and learning how to shop sales has to be taught before they hit the really busy high school years. Okay, I just saw that you wrote "in the summer" but I still think it should be when they are 13 and that kind of responsibility would thrill them.
I would move a lot of your 16 year stuff to 15 year stuff.
But again, I know nothing about anything. Love you though, and your list, and that you got out of doing other work to make your list so I could postpone my dishes to read through your list. You rock.
I need chocolate. Just FYI. Sigh.
feedback
Ah...a topic close to my heart. And the bane of mothers everywhere - determining how much can I reasonably expect of this child. My thoughts are only regarding if I think a child is fairly capable at that age. Whether or not I would choose to do it at that age or another I only mention a few times for perspective.
Three Years Old - Yes to all
Dress Self
Toilet Trained
Pick up toys
Say prayers
Help fold towels
Help unload silverware from dishwasher
Help set table
Four Years Old - Yes to all
Brush teeth
Make bed
Dust room
Help unload dishes from dishwasher
Set the table
Help clear the table
Five Years Old - vacuuming might be difficult. Too heavy or too hard to see. I see it as more a physical difficulty than a mental maturity issue. But I have short kids, so that might be just me. My eight year old struggles, still, though he's about as big as a six year old. ;-)
Straighten room
Vacuum
Fold towels
Start earning money
Help with Saturday’s chores
Six Years Old - I wouldn't do piano lessons. I believe that a child can learn pretty much anything at any age if you have the right teaching style. I think unless the child is highly motivated (HIGHLY) you would be hard-pressed to find a teacher who can do it well. Suzuki possibly. But will they stick with it, or get burned out? In my experience, children who start later suffer fewer burnout issues (they are better at determining their interest level) and learn faster. Phone calls - yes, but can't take messages until can write legibly and can spell decently (IMO).
Load dishwasher
Empty dishwasher
Begin Piano lessons
Run microwave
Make and answer phone calls
Wash dishes except pans
Seven Years Old - YES
Floss teeth
Saturday’s Chore
Pull weeds
Memorize phone and address
Eight Years Old - YES. Age 8 is when we start the Bank of Dad for the kids to deposit their money in.
Grooming hair and nails
Read scriptures daily
Savings Account
Wash all dishes
Start Faith in God
Clean stove
Maintain personal journal
Nine Years Old - YES
Hammer nails
Saw wood
Cook vegetables
Write letters
Use e-mail
Rake leaves
Plant plants
Ten Years Old - Just barely taught my 12 year old to mow lawn, don't think my 10 year old is strong enough yet. She does do her own laundry (start to finish), makes breakfast every morning for our family, makes lunch if asked, and enjoys baking on her own (though still makes forgetful mistakes occasionally)
Set personal goals
Make several salads
Basic nutrition
Place a collect call
Use a payphone
Wrap presents
Sew buttons
Mow lawn
Fold clothes
Make lunches
Vacuum interior of car
Eleven Years Old - Generally, YES to all, assuming they've been probably trained. The oven job sounds hard, but probably possible.
Arrange for own haircuts
Clean refrigerator inside
First Aid training
Babysitting class
Cook breakfast during summer (3x’s weekly)
Clean oven
Know Articles of Faith
Complete Faith in God
Practice creative writing during summer
Learn countries and capitals
Twelve Years Old - I started doing my own clothes shopping around then - or when it started mattering to me more what I wore. That's when my mom got frustrated and just gave me a lump sum and sent me with my grandma. At age 14 I earned money all summer in order to be able to buy all my own clothes. My mom only bought a few necessities through my entire high school career. I think kids this age can start keeping a personal calendar, but most of them don't carry a planner or something - it's all in their heads so there are going to be slip-ups.
Shop for own clothing
Basic fashion awareness
Wardrobe planning
Current events during summer
Practice public speaking during summer
Make/keep dentist appts.
Make/keep doctor appts.
Keep personal calender
Understand basic filing
Order something by phone
Order something by mail
Order something by internet
Read Book of Mormon through
Start Priesthood or YW’s programs
Check fluids in car
Learn basic mending
Bake rolls, bread, cake
Learn how to do laundry
Thirteen Years Old - YES
Sew simple items
Shopping and sales
Party planning
Start own recipe files
Plant care
Use ATM
Certify for CPR
Go to movies w/o parent
Understand prescriptions
Learn meat-handling rules
Learn etiquette rules
Musical intrument of choice
Make dinner during summer (3x’s weekly)
during summer
Fourteen Years Old - YES
Decorate room-learn to paint etc.
Basic interior decorating
Memorize S.S. number
Understand and use debit card
Learn interest, debt, securities
Learn about make-up (girls)
Learn basic civics and politics
Accompany parent to vote
Structural household repair
Sell items on internet
Memorize Seminary scriptures
May go to dances
May purchase Ipod
Fifteen Years Old YES
Pay household bills
Grocery shopping during summer
Plan menus during summer
Budgeting
Finish Eagle Scout (boys)
Change flat tire
Basic car operation
Learn to fill car with gas
Sixteen Years Old YES
Get driver’s license
Understand credit cards
Learn retirement plans
Resume preparation
Interviewing
Understand advertising
Career planning
Arrange for car insurance
Household repairs
Assist in purchasing car
Checking account
File tax return
Landscape planning
May have cell phone (must pay for it yourself)
Get a job!
May date in a group
Seventeen Years Old YES
Finish Young Women in Excellence
Apply for University
Finish Duty to God
FEEDBACK PLEASE!!!!!
I read The Parenting Breakthrough and loved the idea of having a master plan. Mostly because my oldest daughter NEEDS a list to remember and work on things. Plus then I won't forget either what I want my kids to be learning or what my other kids have done. So here's the list I made using Merrilee Boyack's list as a basis. This is a bit murky too, because some things, like making breakfast I plan to make them do that one summer only, and then just whenever I need help after that, but they won't have to make breakfast 3x's a week for forever after that. While other things like practice an instrument, that will start and carry through till they graduate high school. And then other things, Boyack explains better in her book, like giving her kids a certain amount of money ever year to purchase their school clothes and then anything after that they have to pay for themselves, and of course that would require planning and budgeting and bargain shopping, etc. Or with decorating their room, she again gave them a budget and they had to learn to paint or wallpaper and redecorate their room. (I don't know if we'd have the means to do this, but I think it's a cool idea. ) I had a hard time at certain ages coming up with things, (7, 15) but I had taken a lot out at those ages from her list. So please tell me what you think, and if I should somehow rearrange or add or delete anything, what you would do differently etc.
Three Years Old
Dress Self
Toilet Trained
Pick up toys
Say prayers
Help fold towels
Help unload silverware from dishwasher
Help set table
Four Years Old
Brush teeth
Make bed
Dust room
Help unload dishes from dishwasher
Set the table
Help clear the table
Five Years Old
Straighten room
Vacuum
Fold towels
Start earning money
Help with Saturday’s chores
Six Years Old
Load dishwasher
Empty dishwasher
Begin Piano lessons
Run microwave
Make and answer phone calls
Wash dishes except pans
Seven Years Old
Floss teeth
Saturday’s Chore
Pull weeds
Memorize phone and address
Eight Years Old
Grooming hair and nails
Read scriptures daily
Savings Account
Wash all dishes
Start Faith in God
Clean stove
Maintain personal journal
Nine Years Old
Hammer nails
Saw wood
Cook vegetables
Write letters
Use e-mail
Rake leaves
Plant plants
Ten Years Old
Set personal goals
Make several salads
Basic nutrition
Place a collect call
Use a payphone
Wrap presents
Sew buttons
Mow lawn
Fold clothes
Make lunches
Vacuum interior of car
Eleven Years Old
Arrange for own haircuts
Clean refrigerator inside
First Aid training
Babysitting class
Cook breakfast during summer (3x’s weekly)
Clean oven
Know Articles of Faith
Complete Faith in God
Practice creative writing during summer
Learn countries and capitals
Twelve Years Old
Shop for own clothing
Basic fashion awareness
Wardrobe planning
Current events during summer
Practice public speaking during summer
Make/keep dentist appts.
Make/keep doctor appts.
Keep personal calender
Understand basic filing
Order something by phone
Order something by mail
Order something by internet
Read Book of Mormon through
Start Priesthood or YW’s programs
Check fluids in car
Learn basic mending
Bake rolls, bread, cake
Learn how to do laundry
Thirteen Years Old
Sew simple items
Shopping and sales
Party planning
Start own recipe files
Plant care
Use ATM
Certify for CPR
Go to movies w/o parent
Understand prescriptions
Learn meat-handling rules
Learn etiquette rules
Musical intrument of choice
Make dinner during summer (3x’s weekly)
during summer
Fourteen Years Old
Decorate room-learn to paint etc.
Basic interior decorating
Memorize S.S. number
Understand and use debit card
Learn interest, debt, securities
Learn about make-up (girls)
Learn basic civics and politics
Accompany parent to vote
Structural household repair
Sell items on internet
Memorize Seminary scriptures
May go to dances
May purchase Ipod
Fifteen Years Old
Pay household bills
Grocery shopping during summer
Plan menus during summer
Budgeting
Finish Eagle Scout (boys)
Change flat tire
Basic car operation
Learn to fill car with gas
Sixteen Years Old
Get driver’s license
Understand credit cards
Learn retirement plans
Resume preparation
Interviewing
Understand advertising
Career planning
Arrange for car insurance
Household repairs
Assist in purchasing car
Checking account
File tax return
Landscape planning
May have cell phone (must pay for it yourself)
Get a job!
May date in a group
Seventeen Years Old
Finish Young Women in Excellence
Apply for University
Finish Duty to God
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Finding our passion
We've talked about this a bit. This web article popped up on my horizon this morning and I thought I'd share.
http://michaelhyatt.com/find-your-passion-in-three-steps.html
http://michaelhyatt.com/find-your-passion-in-three-steps.html
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Clean Your House!
Hey guys!
So I just started reading a book that I wanted to share with you. It's called "Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping House" by Cheryl Mendelson. The book is basically an encyclopedic reference for how to do all those little things - proper table setting, fabric care, bill paying, etc. Everything that anyone might need to know about keeping house. But the first chapter explains why it is a good thing to keep house. Talk about validation for (what feels like) my main existence on this planet right now! It was wonderful. The author is a non-LDS lawyer so you're not getting the eternal perspective like we often get in RS Meeting - but that almost made it better for me. I had to share some things that I particularly enjoyed:
"Housekeeping creates cleanliness, order, regularity, beauty, the conditions for health and safety,...it is your housekeeping that makes your home alive, that turns it into a small society in its own right, a vital place with its own ways and rhythms, the place where you can be yourself."
"No one is too superior or intelligent to care for hearth and home." (Regarding modern feminist views)
Routines bring satisfaction. Routines echo the rhythm of life and body.
Housekeeping requires knowledge and intelligence as well, the kind that is complex, not simple, and combines intellect, intuition, and feelings.
Our homes are the center of our lives, and we should allow time and resources to make the most of them that we can...we should avoid thinking that time spent on our homes is wasted time, or that our goal should always be to reduce the time and effort we spend on them.
"The act of taking care of our homes brings comfort and consolation both in the enjoyment of the fruits of our labor and in the increasingly rare freedom to engage in worthwhile, unalienated, honorable work."
"Good housekeepers are listmakers."
This is not a book about decorating or being overly neat. It's not a book about organizing. It's a book of knowledge. The proper care of a home whether you stay home with kids or work a full-time job.
I have been cleaning and straightening today and enjoying the feel of a clean space. If you're needing some motivation and validation - I recommend chapter one. If you just think knowing more about the job would make it run smoother - I recommend the rest of the book. I haven't gotten very far through that part yet. Just skimming bits and pieces and looking for the things that I find necessary to my life. So I skipped the sections on hosting a formal dinner (table-setting) because not only do I do that rarely, but my mom did a pretty good job of teaching me how to do it if I ever wanted to.
So I just started reading a book that I wanted to share with you. It's called "Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping House" by Cheryl Mendelson. The book is basically an encyclopedic reference for how to do all those little things - proper table setting, fabric care, bill paying, etc. Everything that anyone might need to know about keeping house. But the first chapter explains why it is a good thing to keep house. Talk about validation for (what feels like) my main existence on this planet right now! It was wonderful. The author is a non-LDS lawyer so you're not getting the eternal perspective like we often get in RS Meeting - but that almost made it better for me. I had to share some things that I particularly enjoyed:
"Housekeeping creates cleanliness, order, regularity, beauty, the conditions for health and safety,...it is your housekeeping that makes your home alive, that turns it into a small society in its own right, a vital place with its own ways and rhythms, the place where you can be yourself."
"No one is too superior or intelligent to care for hearth and home." (Regarding modern feminist views)
Routines bring satisfaction. Routines echo the rhythm of life and body.
Housekeeping requires knowledge and intelligence as well, the kind that is complex, not simple, and combines intellect, intuition, and feelings.
Our homes are the center of our lives, and we should allow time and resources to make the most of them that we can...we should avoid thinking that time spent on our homes is wasted time, or that our goal should always be to reduce the time and effort we spend on them.
"The act of taking care of our homes brings comfort and consolation both in the enjoyment of the fruits of our labor and in the increasingly rare freedom to engage in worthwhile, unalienated, honorable work."
"Good housekeepers are listmakers."
This is not a book about decorating or being overly neat. It's not a book about organizing. It's a book of knowledge. The proper care of a home whether you stay home with kids or work a full-time job.
I have been cleaning and straightening today and enjoying the feel of a clean space. If you're needing some motivation and validation - I recommend chapter one. If you just think knowing more about the job would make it run smoother - I recommend the rest of the book. I haven't gotten very far through that part yet. Just skimming bits and pieces and looking for the things that I find necessary to my life. So I skipped the sections on hosting a formal dinner (table-setting) because not only do I do that rarely, but my mom did a pretty good job of teaching me how to do it if I ever wanted to.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wimp
Kami, don't be a wimp. I checked out the Bonds that Make Us Free and you should read it too. There are discussion questions at the back I've been answering in my journal, but it would be interesting to see what others had to say. School schmool--check it out and read it.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Response to my post a long time ago....
I just wanted to say that my thoughts were pretty clearly answered by Elder Oaks talk on Desire.
And I started back to school at BYU so I wouldn't be free reading any time soon.
Thanks for all your comments on my previous post by the way. I wrote down the book selections, and it did give me some insight and things to think over.
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