Two cents worth from a lurker..

Hi!

Sorry I have not posted for a while. Early pregnancy and I were not friends..so now I am starting to feel human again half way through.

On Kami's thoughts, Kelly's and Julia's, I tend to agree with all of them. I get what Julia is saying about how our happiness can be based on our expectations of ourselves. I tend to lean that way while still having expectations for others that they "should" measure up to. I am still this way on my bad days or when I am feeling out of control in my personal life. By personal I mean, my lack of self control or discipline.

I had a life changing experience about two years ago that really made me assess how I view and treat other people, my commitment to Heavenly Father, and made me take a hard look at myself and what it is I value. I won't go into details but I had to hit a hard wall(because I was just that proud) to see that I had way too many unrealistic expectations for myself and others and this was driving a wedge in my relationships with EVERYONE (including Heavenly Father).

I had to realize that while I could blame others for my problems the basic problem was in myself and I was the only one who could change me. I could not change others. Maybe you already know this principle but that was huge for me. Since I am a bit of a controlling person(aren't many women) I had to learn (because my life was out of control) that I could not control every little thing and that I didn't have to. There was someone I could trust absolutely for every little thing I thought important, someone who would not let me down, who knew so much better than I what was needed in every situation.

Once I realize this it was easier to realign my priorities in my personal life mission. I truly was stripped down, humbled, and able to write down what it is I felt I needed to do in this life, who I really was, my eternal nature, etc. I still go back and read what I wrote and it is as true today as it was written.

I, of course, still have tons of natural man in me so I have to pray everyday (as I did then) to have patience, to be led by Him in knowing what it is I should be doing that day, then I have to act. That is such a huge thing for me. I may hear the impressions but do I act on them all the time? Not as often as I would like or should. But when I do, my day is much different than I would have planned yet I get all the things done that I felt were important at the beginning of the day. Power from on high-love it!

Does any of this answer the questions posed? Probably not..but I wanted to share. A few books that I helped me when I was on this crash course were: Bonds that Make us Free by C. Terry Warner and Putting on the Armor of God by Stephen A Cramer. Anatomy of Peace and Peacegiver are other great reads for being able to see others and ourselves in different ways.

Summary: changing myself or perhaps choosing fully to be on the Lord's side has helped me in dealing with the day to day details of life. Helped me to learn to love, just a little, the drudgery that can come with a house full of little children; helped me to see my husband for the awesome man that he is. I caught a glimpse of how much my Heavenly Father loves me and that makes me want to be with Him again. Therefore, I will not complain anymore(okay, maybe not so loudly) about changing messy underwear or diapers. :)

Amber

Re: Kami's post

I don't know if this is exactly what Kami was talking about, but I have been thinking about weakness, discipline, gratitude and purposeful-living for the past four months in a very intense way.  In the past six months I've had a huge paradigm shift and been able to completely change how I felt about something that had been bothering me for about five years prior and causing a lot of problems for me (which then rubbed off on my marriage although I didn't realize that's what was happening until recently).

The short details - I hated where I lived and resented my husband for making me move here.  I also hated my calling and resented my husband for not releasing me (while he was Bishop) even though he knew how miserable I was.

I'll tell you some of what has helped me.

When the Primary President moved me to a new class (thank the Lord!) I received fresh motivation to fulfill and magnify my calling.  All my callings, really (including mother and wife).

Some changes that I made in my life at that time that I think made a big difference:

1.  I started using my Mead notebook.  I have a notebook that I keep by my bed at night.  Every night before bed I write down my to-do list for the next day.  Not only does it clear my mind, but it helps me to remember to think about things I might not otherwise.  I only write down 10 things ( I limit myself), and I try to pull stuff from a variety of life areas - such as service, gospel study, housework, schoolwork, exercise, etc.  It has really helped me to focus my day.  Some days after I list my 10 things I have a list running on the side of "don't forget" items that I also need to do.  But mentally having a list of 10 has been great for me.  The notebook usually comes downstairs with me in the morning to refer to.  Having a checklist is good for me.  It helps me feel accomplished - and helps me keep my expectations realistic.

2.  I realized one evening that I had to exercise more discipline in my life (in several areas) and that is one of the purposes of this life.  For me to learn control.  I CONTROL MY LIFE - to the extent that I control the choices I make and what I choose to do with my time.  I decided my priorities were way out of whack.  Not enough time to read scriptures...but I was still making time to check my email.  I realized that I had to fix that.  I had to stop letting the little things rule my life.  My actions reveal where my true priorities are.  So if my priority is to have Gospel Study every day and tell every child I love them, then I darn well better do that.  I included exercise, and much as I hate, and dread getting up early to do it, I have noticed (to my chagrin) that I really do feel better on the days that I do it.  My energy level is much higher.  I just need to somehow turn that into motivation at 6am.

3.  On a personal note - I realized that I had been blaming my husband for my unhappiness.  I read several talks about choosing happiness and gratitude and knew that I had been subtly undermining my marriage with my discontent.  I would go through spurts of unhappiness and really be unhappy with Josh for dragging me to this place.  The truth is, he did choose to move here and although I didn't want to - I didn't TELL him at the time.  That's my fault - not his.  I realized I had to be like the Little Purple Pansies as the primary song goes.  I started by finding things that I was grateful for about my circumstances.  I also started praying for opportunities to provide service to those around me.  My theory was - you love those you serve, so if I could develop more love for those around me I would love being here with them.  I happened to be reading a talk that said to pray for opportunities to serve.  I have put that into practice a few times (when I remember) and sincerely asked the Lord to send me a service opportunity that day.  It's been really interesting what has popped up. 

4.  I re-read President Uchtdorf's talk about creating and realized that part of my unhappiness stemmed from the fact that I wasn't creating anything.  Long story short - I had given up several hobbies due to changing needs, but I hadn't replaced them with any new hobbies and I really felt like I was stagnating.  This is something I'm still working on - but even the small steps I've made towards creating have brightened my life and brought me much joy.  It is not a worthless thing to create beauty (in food, handicrafts, decorating, garden, etc).  In fact, I think it is a God-given ability and mandate.


So in reading Kami's post again - now that I've talked about what I wanted to talk about - I think the key is to set realistic expectations.  I definitely struggle.  I have told my husband time and time again (when he comes home to a wrecked house and no clean laundry) that I can be a good housekeeper or a good mother, but I can't do either well at the same time. You asked, How do you balance necessary guilt... To which I say, I don't.  I just feel the guilt and accept it.   ;-)
Except now it occurs to me that necessary guilt motivates us and helps us recognize areas where we really do need to improve.  It's like a mental kick in the pants.  Unnecessary guilt makes us feel down, depressed, and unworthy.  I'm quite familiar with both kinds.


Last thing - when my children are driving me crazy (above and beyond the norm) I have found it beneficial to take a break.  Drop the expectations.  Go outside (we go to the beach or the Botanical Gardens).  Don't do anything workish.  Enjoy being a family.  Start fresh the next day.  Otherwise I just get angry and do and say things that I regret later.  Laundry and school, and even dinner, can wait.  


Julia - those books sound good!

Notwithstanding My Weakness

GREAT FOOD FOR THOUGHT, KAMI!!  Thank you!

The only thing that really kept coming back into my mind was that we need to read Notwithstanding My Weakness (it's on our reading list!) and discuss it.  Along with that we need to read Spiritual Lightening by Catherine M. Thomas.  These two books literally changed my perspective on how I think about myself.  Which, in my opinion, is most of where the principles you mentioned come from:  guilt, expectations, and motherhood.  I think I've thought almost everything you yourself thought today.  I can say though, that this past year or so I have felt a huge sense of accomplishment in raising my children.  I still have feelings of, "Oh, shoot, I didn't teach them that, did I?" when they do something I don't approve of (or don't do what I expected, etc), but I don't feel the hugely, overpowering amount of guilt that I once used struggle with.  Guilt is something I think most women/mothers (men?) deal with.  But, again, all I can say is those two books MUST be read by every woman/mother.  Then we can discuss this further.  :-)

In more direct answer to the questions you asked: :-)

Either way, whether I feel good about the day or not is often dependent on that mental checklist.  This is the life of every mother! 

To tell you the truth, I couldn't think of one example where expectation didn't play into happiness (This is another point where I did want feedback. Can you think of an example where this isn't the case?).   I still think love is an expectation as well, whether a child has felt it or not, I think it's a basic human need/expectation.  ??? My happiness is usually based on my expectations of myself.  And when I'm not happy with my children it's really a reflection on my lack of training them to do what I expected them to do in the first place.  Does that make sense?  (spouses are different! )  ???

What do you all think? How do you balance necessary guilt (necessary for change and betterment) and unnecessary guilt that holds you back? How do you manage to eat the carrot stick and not the chocolate truffle? And how do base your self-worth on your knowledge of yourself as a child of God rather than your sense of accomplishment? How do you keep yourself from going crazy with your children when there's no feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day and exercising when the thought makes you cringe? (Exercising and parenting have a lot in common.) And where does that leave my mental checklist and my expectations for a tidy house?  In answer to all of these:  Read Notwithstanding My Weakness!  :-)

Thoughts while vacuuming.....

Today I was thinking about self-control, self-worth, happiness, sense of accomplishment, and instant gratification, all while vacuuming. This was after a day with a complete lack of self-control, of which my children bore the brunt of. Plus, it was on my mind after Andrea's awesome lesson in Relief Society (I went to her ward last week for Harriet's baby blessing) from Elder Scott's talk on Faith and Character. And yes Andrea, I did go home and read it again. Here it is for anyone interested. So here's my thoughts for what it's worth--I actually wanted some feed back on what you all thought. But I'm going to try to make this short as I still have cookies to go make.

On Sunday, a lady in Andrea's ward made a comment pointing out that in the scripture

Ether 12:27

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

the word weakness is singular, and really that that weakness is the natural man. Like in this scripture.

Mosiah 3:19

19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

I'm not going to go into discussing whether that's true or not at this point--I'm just going to make that assumption. So what's the natural man then? I think it's lack of self control. (Reading Elder Scott's talk will really help you follow my logic here.) Sorry, I'm not going to explain my logic entirely--I'm just going to make that assumption again. But here's a brief example of my thinking--what's the opposite of the natural man....Christ, right? And Christ was perfect, right? Well, he had to have complete and utter self-control to be perfect. He's actually a perfect example of self-control. Perfect self-control in resisting sin, perfect discipline in helping others and doing what Heavenly Father wanted rather than the easier route of doing something self-gratifying, like lazing around on a couch and eating chocolate bon-bons. Why? Love, right?

Anyway, that really wasn't my point...okay, I don't have a point to this at all, but moving on anyway. My thoughts today were more about this--I've been unhappy all day. Why? Well, I didn't get hardly anything done I wanted to. And then I was thinking about that, and the days I'm most happy are the days I am able complete the things I wanted to complete. Sometimes this mental list is enormously long and impossible, and sometimes all I want to accomplish is a simple thing and fun, like going a hike with my family. Either way, whether I feel good about the day or not is often dependent on that mental checklist. (This IS one point I wanted your thoughts on, is that how any of you are, and do you think that's right--morally, ethically, religiously or whatever?) Further, I once read a study on the happiest people (I believe it was some Scandinavian country who ranked the highest of happiest) and the research showed that the biggest factor to people happiness is their expectations. This backs up my feelings entirely. I expected to be able to clean up the breakfast dishes and wash off the table before noon and this didn't happen till 4:30 PM and so I wasn't very happy, etc. To tell you the truth, I couldn't think of one example where expectation didn't play into happiness (This is another point where I did want feedback. Can you think of an example where this isn't the case?). This also follows along with the psychological theory of cognitive dissonance and self-concept

(The psychologists who paved the way for this concept were Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow. Rogers had the idea that everyone is seeking out a positive self-concept. He said that everyone is trying to get from their real self to their ideal self, and the closer someone is to that ideal self the happier that person will be. Rogers also said that one factor in whether or not someone will be happy is the amount of unconditioned positive regard someone gets, or UPR. An example of UPR would possibly be a parent or guardian of a child taking care of them no matter what.^[14]))

^{So clinically speaking, is that why God's love for us as his children so important?--because we need that UPR? And I guess I just answered my own question about happiness and expectation--happiness can be influenced by unconditional love, which is unrelated to expectation. Well, usually, a child does expect love from his parent, but only if he's received that before.}

Also, I decided I really like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with my mental checklist--I was actually thinking about this because of wanting to go back to college and all the projects I have--I think I really like doing something well, and being able to (mentally, at least) say, "Oh, look what I accomplished! Yeah me!" But is that a form of self-gratification? I mean that in the context of my day of whining, messy children who don't obey, don't listen, and where I spend twenty minutes doing something like cleaning up the breakfast dishes only to spend another thirty minutes cleaning up the mess the kids made while cleaned up the breakfast dishes, or on the other hand, another sixty minutes if I try to make my children clean up said mess. So, what I'm trying to say, is that with parenting there is no sense of accomplishment. I may do my kids hair and dress them cute and take them and people say, "Oh what cute kids!" But that only lasts till my kids pull out their hair, start kicking and screaming and whining, and then people say (to themselves usually), "What an awful mother!" That was a superficial example, but even with more profound principles, I think my point still applies, because parenting is never FINISHED. (What do you all think?) So, I think it's obviously wrong to base my happiness on my sense of accomplishment, plus that's so short-lived an insubstantial.

On the opposite side of things, what makes me really sad and depressed and angry? Simple. When I (and others) don't live up to my expectations--which always is a result of lack of self-control (I was mostly thinking in context of myself, not others). And then I feel GUILTY. Okay, true confession here--my family goes to family therapy every week because of my daughter's adoption and the issues that raises in our family. And one big issue I have is guilt. So guilt is generally considered something negative and necessary to move past (like in the repentance process--a certain amount is necessary but then you're supposed to forgive yourself and move on.) Here's a tidbit from wikipedia on guilt:

Guilt is founded on our empathy system and mirror neurons. When we see another carrying out an action, we carry out the action ourselves in neuronal activity, though not in overt action. The neurons that mirror others are called mirror neurons. When we see another person suffering, we can feel their suffering as if it is our own. This constitutes our powerful system of empathy, which leads to our thinking that we should do something to relieve the suffering of others. If we cannot help another, or fail in our efforts, we experience feelings of guilt. From the perspective of group selection, groups that are made up of a high percent of co-operators outdo groups with a low percent of co-operators in between-group competition. People who are more prone to high levels of empathy-based guilt may be likely to suffer from anxiety and depression; however, they are also more likely to cooperate and behave altruistically. This suggests that guilt-proneness may not always be beneficial at the level of the individual, or within-group competition, but highly beneficial in between-group competition.^{[citation needed]T}

To sum up,

Ummm....never mind the sum up. What do you all think? How do you balance necessary guilt (necessary for change and betterment) and unnecessary guilt that holds you back? How do you manage to eat the carrot stick and not the chocolate truffle? And how do base your self-worth on your knowledge of yourself as a child of God rather than your sense of accomplishment? How do you keep yourself from going crazy with your children when there's no feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day and exercising when the thought makes you cringe? (Exercising and parenting have a lot in common.) And where does that leave my mental checklist and my expectations for a tidy house? I'm not sure any of this made sense, I was just ruminating while vacuuming.

In a Reading Funk

I don't know what to read!!!!!
I'm not in the mood for anything, but I can't stand not reading anything.
Okay, so I am waiting for Ranger's Apprentice #8 . . . but in the meantime, I need something to read.
I'm looking for something purposeful, but not too heavy (in language or content) because my pregnant mind wants fluff but I don't want to read fluff.  You know what I mean?  I kind of want to read some good parenting/homeschool book but I'm also kind of sick of those right now.  I just want something that will keep me up at night reading!!  You know the kind. 
Give me some ideas.
JULIA

History Cont.

Thanks for your responses. No, I wasn't planning on using the Story of the World books--I like to create my own curriculum for history, but I was interested in if going chronologically had been effective for you. If we do it, I'd start when Miriam was in 4th grade. I'm glad the SOTW breaks it down well--that would probably be the most challenging part for me. I've heard a lot about Sonlight but haven't even looked at it. I think I will now--literature recommendations are always useful as I do everything I can literature based.

As for math--that program looks really interesting. I am not good at integrating math into a normal day (outside of cooking--and I don't really let the kids cook with me much). I already have a combo that I'm really happy with, so I don't think I'll be changing soon. I talked about it a lot on my homeschool blog, so I'll spare you here.

Since we're talking curriculum--I was going to buy the Rod and Staff Language Arts program for Miriam for next year and their spelling program. Have you used either of those?

History

I've used Story of the World pretty much from the get-go...as a guide.  Sometimes I read from the book, but more often I use the literature suggestions in the activity book.  I request as many as I can from the library, plus any others that I can find on the topic that look interesting.  Then when they come I pick and choose.  I might read through SWB's book myself to make sure I have the history straight, and read a snippet that I think the kids will find interesting, but if I do read a chapter, I tend to not read it word for word to them.  I have a lot of supplemental links tagged on my computer.  I've looked for other booklists and whatnot.  I sometimes use the activities in the activity book, but not very often.  My kids like to color while I read to them, so I might photocopy some coloring pages.  I have collected almost the entire SOTW set thanks to my husband who has been hunting ebay/half.com and paperbackswap for them for years.  I don't use them enough to want to pay full price for them, but I consider them a worthwhile resource.

Other curriculum that I have been impressed with is the Beautiful Feet books.  If I remember correctly, they also move chronologically.   I also have liked Sonlight as a resource.   I found a website that took the Sonlight book recommendations and showed how they could fit into The Story of the World - just another useful reference, as I particularly like how SOTW is broken up.

I'm with you, Andrea, I love history - particularly American.  I have done American History for Kindergarten, and then I do it during the summers also.  I expect my children to study it in depth in high school, but in the meantime I'm filling their heads with the stories!

If you don't want to buy the books, but would appreciate a scope and sequence and/or book suggestions...
http://satorismiles.com/curriculum/story-of-the-world-1/

Some of my links:
http://www.redshift.com/~bonajo/history.htm
http://homescool-ed.blogspot.com/2007/04/sonlight-books-arranged-by-well-trained.html

Here's another curriculum idea that intrigued me:  http://www.homeschoolinthewoods.com/

So I guess I wouldn't say that I love SOTW, but I find it incredibly useful, as well as the resources that have been created around it.

As a side note - may I tell you that I purchased a real math curriculum and LOVE it.  Best one I've ever used... Very easy to use and yet very easy to tailor to your child.
www.mathonthelevel.com

For Logan (who is turning 8 soon and in 2nd grade) I have been supplementing with free worksheets printed from www.learningpage.com to give him extra practice.  He earns much-desired computer game time for each worksheet that he finishes.

History

I've tried following the Story of the World series, but I'm just really bad at following cirriculums in general and got bored with the readings.  I think the best way to do that, if you're going to do it, is to get the books on CD and just plug them in in the car.  I've done that in the past and the kids got more into it.  Just a thought.  The activity books have some value but also some busywork as well.  You'll just need to take a look at it.  Chronologically is good I guess . . . but I don't think it's necessary until the kids get older.  IMO  I do love the idea of having a timeline of history up on our wall and have tried several ways of doing this . . . but I haven't been consistent with it.  The Book of Centuries from the Tanglewood corebook is my favorite idea for kids getting a picture of chronology.  INTEREST is most important at the younger stages.  What do your kids want to learn about?  Start with that.  I will say that my kids' favorites have been Ancient Egytian stuff and the Medevial ages.  Knights and princesses . . . dead guys and mummies . . . can't go wrong there.  :-)  We are different than the "normal American" apparently, because we are just now getting into American history (I've always touched on it, but next year is when we're going into depth with it).  This year has been our favorite history year, too . . . Real Life Princesses!  The girls have loved it.  So, anyway . . . That was a bunch of babbling about nothing and I don't even know if I answered your question.  :-)  JULIA

Well-Trained Mind: History

I'm just curious if any of you have followed a chronological history program. I haven't. I decide what sounds interesting to me and the kids and then put together a little unit on it. I like the idea of chronological though. I think the authors of the Well-Trained Mind make an excellent point that Americans spend most of their time studying American history and it distorts perspective.

I also know that I like to teach what I know, and what I know is American history.

However, sometimes a girl needs to leave her comfort zone. Maybe I can spend the next year familiarizing myself with ancient history and start in fourth grade and do the four year plan.

I like how she did the sciences along with it--but that might be a bit much for me. We'll see. Good things to think about though.

Freakonomics

I just finished this book, by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner.  Pretty interesting.  Quick, easy read.  I think my favorite chapters were the ones on baby names, but I also liked the sections on real estate agents and crack dealers.  And no, they are not the same thing.

In other books, I'm reading Flatland somewhat half-heartedly.  It's fine, just not in the mood for it right now.  Finished book nine of Ranger's Apprentice series and can't stand that the 10th book is not available at the library yet.

Hope you are all well.  We are getting a bit too much rain out here in sunny California.  Please share some book suggestions because I need to start a new list!